“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
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The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.