You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.