You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.