You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
You Might Also Like
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Doggies just call it style.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of