You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”