You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
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The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Self-cleaning conscience
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.