@fillthevacuum

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

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@Camel_Crushin

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

@kevinseccia

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

@Dad_At_Law

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

@WilliamAder

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

@weinerdog4life

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

@DaddyJew

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

@WineMummy

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

@DaddyJew

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

@krishna_van

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.