You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I would move hell over six inches for you
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Best spot.. 😅
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem