You’re the water to my grease fire.
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Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.