“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
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there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Hmm, not sure about this change
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”