Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

Breaking news:

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect