You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
When someone trying to leave me
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.