Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
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Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Strangers have the best candy.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater