@9GAG
@daviddeweil “Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
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@daviddeweil 
@smilely_gal 5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
@RobDenBleyker Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
@bazecraze My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
@QwertyJones3 Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
@DothTheDoth The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
@melibuff You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
@WilliamAder Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
@imteddybless a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
@BonaFideIntent ….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.