@9GAG

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

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@daviddeweil

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

@smilely_gal

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

@RobDenBleyker

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

@bazecraze

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

@DothTheDoth

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

@WilliamAder

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

@imteddybless

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

@BonaFideIntent

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.