You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Donkey Kong sommelier
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
twitter is a journey
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”