You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

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“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.


5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.


Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!


My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.


The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.


Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.


a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions


….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.