Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ADHDeanASL

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

@BrendanMcKeigan

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

@Storminika

Strangers have the best candy.

@daemonic3

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

@sloganeerist

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

@PrettiestPickle

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

@cerebralbeef

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

@Stellacopter

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

@OuterJohn

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater