“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
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Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen