You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.