“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.