YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
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You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you