Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
You Might Also Like
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
they finally got him. they got macavity
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently