Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit