Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*