YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
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Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.