@WilliamAder Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
@impaulmccoy YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
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@WilliamAder 
@garrettn Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
@msdanifernandez Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
@stephenjmolloy Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
@neat_hot There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
@jctwritesstuff Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
@Book_Krazy Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
@reallifemommy3 *Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
@Elizasoul80 I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
@Brianhopecomedy “Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”