Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
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Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”