Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”