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Hulk: way ahead of you bud
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I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.