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I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework