you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
You Might Also Like
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
best review i’ve ever seen
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?