“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My what?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”