You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.