“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

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Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?


Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.


god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]


Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.




Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.


Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.


*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now


*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.


Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings


Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…