@protolalia

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

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@thomaslennon

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

@myonlymizztake

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

@KeetPotato

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

@clichedout

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

@jwoodham

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

@StumblerTop

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

@fro_vo

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

@Roweboat13G

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

@Thuggedraccoon

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

@donniepeeler

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…