“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
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[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
i will avenge u mr van gogh
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?