@protolalia
@thomaslennon Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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@thomaslennon 
@myonlymizztake Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
@KeetPotato [scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
@clichedout Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
@jwoodham Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
@StumblerTop Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
@fro_vo *boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
@Roweboat13G *boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
@Thuggedraccoon Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
@donniepeeler Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…