YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
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Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
BETRAYAL
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”