You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
welp
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.