You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
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GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
back to work
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
*pronounces UPS like yoops