you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.