you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
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Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
no their not