Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
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I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”