You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
You Might Also Like
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Facebook memories be like
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope