@HomeProbably

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

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@Faungirl123

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

@HabeasDorkis

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

@babyitsmb

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

@clichedout

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

@GrillinChillin9

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

@simoncholland

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

@9GAG

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

@internetluke

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”

“…”
Vibrate?