YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
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“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or