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If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready