Yup.
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Everyone’s family
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.