Yup….perfect score!
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.