Yup.
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
It’s the weekend y’all
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.