Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Candles never taste the way they smell
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
San Francisco has too many rules
what the
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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