Zack Greinke stories are the best
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My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
🤣dope
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost