Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.