@DaveMcNamee3000

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

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@circlejokes

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

@PaperWash

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

@Browtweaten

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

@Marlebean

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

@chuuew

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

@UnfilteredMama

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”