Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

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I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.


[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]


4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%


Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-


Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary


Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.


Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?


My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”