Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
True statement👍😏😁
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.