Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
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If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
wait.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.