@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

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@Shariv67

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

@ericsshadow

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

@kyry5

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

@slimmy_shady

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

@ConanOBrien

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

@KimmyMonte

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

@JohnnyFrittata

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

@iwearaonesie

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

@chuuew

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender