Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
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INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.