Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
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Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though