Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
You Might Also Like
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
The three genders.
This squirrel eats better than I do
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.