[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
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Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday