[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
😂💯
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.