Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
ME: no paris
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
Thought I heard clattering
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)
Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?