[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Strange
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.