[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Comparing yourself to others
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth