Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
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*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”