ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
You Might Also Like
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Social Media and Real life
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.